Don’t box me in with labels

Posted on 14. Jul, 2010 by kchristieh in my life

When a well-meaning friend recently referred to me as a “Mommy Blogger,” I instantly got defensive. Over the past 1,400+ blog posts, I’ve covered a wide variety of topics and made a conscious effort not to use my unsuspecting family as my primary blogging material. In fact, a quick survey of my most recent 20 posts shows that only 1 centered on something I did as a parent, and that one (“Why I Love Baccalaureate“) could have been written by anyone in attendance at that event. As blessed as I am to be a parent, I especially don’t want to be labeled as something that doesn’t totally define me, or that implies something I’m not.

Here are some other labels that people have pinned on me, and why I hope you can see beyond them:

MOM: I’m the proud parent of a 16-year-old and an 18-year-old. They’re great kids, and yes, they call me “Mom.” But I have my own life, with just as many friends on Facebook, and I don’t need to live vicariously through them, spy on them, or pander to them the way the “Mom” label might imply to some people. Ironically, or perhaps predictably, I think that the people that put the “Mom” label on me the most are my children’s peers.

WIFE: I’ve been married 23 years to a great guy. Wow. That’s twice as long as my parents were married to each other. I’m blessed to be in a marriage loaded with mutual love, respect, values, interests, etc. But as much as I may be the one that makes the dinner and drives the kids, I have my own life too. And so does my husband. Being a wife is wonderful, but it’s not all that I am.

DEMOCRAT: Over the past 19 years, I think I’ve only voted for one Republican. As much as I’d like to call myself an Independent, because I do think independently, I think my voting record definitely qualifies me as a Democrat. But I don’t agree with all the positions of the Democratic party, even some that are basic to other people. I think my positions are consistent and logical, but don’t we all?

WHITE: When I was an RA in college, one of the students in my dorm, whose father had been a sharecropper, called me the most “white bread” person she’d ever known. Yes, I am White. The parts of me that don’t see the light of day could blind you with their brightness, and I am shocked at how closely I align with the website “Stuff White People Like.” Yesterday I dragged the kids to Whole Foods to get more Mandarin Pumpkin Marmalade for my morning crêpe, and they said that was incredibly White of me. Given that for the over 400 years that I can trace back my family tree all my ancestors hail from Northern Europeans, this label sticks. But please don’t think that because I’m one race, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love people of all races. I married a Latino man, who has ancestors over the past 150 years that were Native American, Persian, Italian, and Spanish. I don’t care what race the person my children go out with or marry someday is; I care about what’s in that person’s heart, and in their character. And if you really want to get technical, I’m not exactly white. I’m more like the square on the right, which is hex #FFF3ED.

JERSEY GIRL: Yes, I was born in New Jersey. But I chose to leave. See the next label.

CALIFORNIAN: I LOVE California. I love the weather, the diversity of people and their cultures, and the geography. But most of all, I love the energy and enthusiasm of my adopted state, and the freedom and encouragement to venture forth and buck tradition to try new things. But I don’t have blinders on; I know California isn’t perfect. Our public education system is sinking fast at all levels, and we’re far from resolving important issues like immigration, prison overcrowding, and health care. We’ve also taken a big hit economically over the past few years. So while I’m proud and blessed to be a Californian, like my state, I’m complicated and not easily labeled. Ditto for being AMERICAN. I was so lucky to be born here, and am so proud to be a citizen of a country that values freedom so highly. But it doesn’t mean I agree with everything our nation does. Thankfully I have the freedom to be able to say that!

MIDDLE-AGED: I’m 47. Born in 1963, high school class of 1981, college class of 1985. I don’t hide it. Even so, I don’t feel any older than I did 20 years ago. Sure, only my hairdresser knows the true color of my lovely locks, and you won’t see me in a bikini anymore. But I feel like I have just as much energy and zest as I ever have. I embrace the information revolution, and have loved keeping up with all the new tools that allow me to stay efficient and productive in my life and in my career. My age actually benefits me in that I’ve experienced so much more of life that I feel smarter and wiser than ever. So call me middle-aged, but make sure it’s a compliment, not a hindrance. (Oh, how I hope this is all true in 20 years!)

CHRISTIAN: I am Christian. I believe that God sent Jesus to us because he loves us, and that we should follow his teachings and LOVE one another. And that’s the rub: I think that many Christians these days, who spend the bulk of their time bashing people they don’t agree with, shed a bad light on Christianity. I think God loves everyone, no matter what their race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. and that we should too. So I hope that when you label me as a Christian, you think love, not hate.

GEEK: Yes, I have an MS in engineering, and can easily stay up all night refining the code on a website to make sure that each pixel matches up. But “Geek” to some people implies a lack of social skills, and that’s definitely not a problem for me. (See the Facebook reference above.)

Maybe if you combine these labels you’ll get a better picture of who I am, as long as you bear in mind the ways I’ve stated I don’t adhere to their stereotypes. Once people know me, they know that instead of labels, they should use adjectives to describe me. I’d prefer hard-working, caring, flexible, social, eager, curious, and many others. Just be careful not to stereotype me. I’m a unique person, with lots to contribute, just like everyone else.

PS – Despite not wanting to be called a “Mommy Blogger,” I will probably write a few posts about my first child going off to college next month. I may not only be a Mom, but it is a big part of who I am, and we’re going through some big changes in our house.

Top 10 Lessons Learned from nearly 14 years as a Soccer Mom

Posted on 22. Feb, 2010 by kchristieh in life lessons, parenting, sports

When I registered my preschoolers for soccer in the Fall of 1996, I never imagined that I’d be a soccer mom until 2010. My soccer-viewing days ended last Friday when my daughter’s high school team lost in the first round of CIF playoffs. Our soccer experience was sometimes rewarding, and sometimes frustrating, but always an adventure.

Along the way, I learned or confirmed the following lessons:

1. Don’t become the frog in boiling water. If someone had told us how much club soccer would impact our family, we may not have chosen to do it. Instead, the warm water just got hotter and hotter.
2. Find your niche. I had no interest in being a referee, but I loved making AYSO team banners.
3. Even though it’s hard to make a banner of a hyena, whatever you design will be ok since no one’s sure what a hyena looks like. Use lots of fur. Best mascot ever.
4. Don’t question the refs. They’re trying hard, and they’re no more perfect than anyone else. Complaining won’t change the call, and it’ll just make things stressful.
5. Expect little, so you won’t be disappointed.
6. Get a chair with a built-in umbrella.
7. Kids don’t need snacks at the end of the game. But they like them as long as they’re not healthy.
8. Always carry a blanket, extra water and a first-aid kit in the car.
9. Bad coaches don’t get better.
10. Sports aren’t as enjoyable when winning becomes more important than having a good time.

My daughter says that she learned:

1. You should always work really hard, but
2. Hard work won’t always pay off, but
3. It’s worth it when you love the sport.
4. How to get along with all sorts of people.
5. How to deal with all sorts of coaches, which has helped her to adapt to different teachers, and some day, bosses.
6. How to be a team player.

Those are good lessons.

Would I do it over again? Only if the kids wanted to. They probably would.

Katrina Kenison to speak this Thursday at LCPC

Posted on 13. Feb, 2010 by kchristieh in books, parenting

When my kids were little, they didn’t understand why someone would cry if they weren’t hurt. They thought I was crazy for getting teary-eyed when we’d pass a wedding party outside of a church. I think they’re starting to understand, however, as we all broke down recently while watching Marley & Me. Some things just hit you harder, and as you grow older, there are more life experiences you can relate to.

That’s what Katrina Kenison does for me. When someone emailed me a link to a video of her reading from her most recent book, , I almost didn’t watch it. I didn’t want to sacrifice 7 minutes to watch a YouTube video. But I trusted the judgment of the person who sent it to me, so I finally clicked on the link. I’m so glad I did. It made me reflect upon the joys and challenges that have come with parenting, and how much my children and I have grown. It also reminded me of how much I’ve been blessed by being a mother for the past 18 years. Grab the tissues and check this out:

You can hear Katrina in person this Thursday, February 18th at La Canada Presbyterian Church. She’ll be speaking during my Parent Ed class, but it’s open to the public. The program starts at 12:30 pm, and she’ll sign books after the presentation. Please rsvp to . Babysitting is available for $10 per child. If you would like to have babysitting for your child, you MUST confirm a spot with Sandy at before Feb. 18th.

Here’s the official event flyer. I hope you can come!

How does Tim Tebow offend and Danica Patrick doesn’t?

Posted on 07. Feb, 2010 by kchristieh in advertising, religion, things that bug me

For weeks, I’ve been hearing about how offensive was going to be. A coalition of women’s groups called on CBS not to run the ad.

When I finally saw the commercial, I was indeed stunned: I couldn’t believe the brouhaha was over this.

Here’s the script. What’s offensive about it?

Tim Tebow’s mother: “I call him my miracle baby. He almost didn’t make it into this world. I can remember so many times when I almost lost him. It was so hard. Well, he’s all grown up now, and I STILL worry about his health. You know, with all our family’s been through, we have to be tough!”
[Tim Tebow comes out of the side of the screen and tackles her.]
Mom: “Timmy! We’re trying to tell our story here.”
Tim: “Sorry about that, Mom! Do you still worry about me, Mom?”
Mom: “Well yeah! You’re not nearly as tough as I am!”
For the full Tebow story, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Frankly, I could have filmed that commercial. My son was in neonatal for eight days after he was born, and I didn’t get to hold him until he was five days old. I still worry about him, especially when he plays football, and with good reason. He used to tackle me when he was two years old, and I’m glad he doesn’t anymore.

Where’s the feminist outrage over the GoDaddy commercial where Danica Patrick gets a massage from a woman who rips off her shirt to declare that she’d be a great GoDaddy girl (and if you see the internet version, dances like a skank)? Is this what “equal rights” means? Or how about the , where Kim Kardashian seduces a salad and winds up eating it in a bathtub? And speaking of bathtubs, how about the Motorola commercial where the woman takes a picture of herself and sends it over the internet, including to a young boy behind a closed door? So much for all the anti-sexting lectures we give our kids!

My husband and I have long disagreed about abortion: he’s pro-choice, and I’m pro-life. But even he’s stunned by the negative reaction to this ad. It’s sad when something this benign is slammed, even as people close their eyes to other offensive material playing all around them.

A few more notes:

Check out the Focus on the Family link. Tim Tebow’s parents talk about how they were advised to get an abortion because of medical problems. They chose not to, because they had faith that God had a plan for their baby. Later in the interview, when asked what she’d tell a young woman who’s pregnant and thinking of aborting her baby, Tim’s mother says,

“I would say that baby’s not a mistake, even though it might seem that way to her, and that God will enable her to do the right thing, and to give her the encouragement she needs, that there’s also help for her, and there’s help that she doesn’t even know about yet. There’s so many people, so many pregnancy crisis centers across the country just waiting to encourage someone in her position. And girls have those options. They have a choice.”

Isn’t it ironic that pro-choice people are complaining that someone is reminding people that they have a choice?

By the way, I’ve been switching accounts away from GoDaddy ever since I saw one of their offensive commercials a few years ago. These days, I choose Bluehost.com instead. They’ve got great customer service, and are good for not only regular websites but for Wordpress installations.

How do I communicate with you? Let me count the ways…

Posted on 04. Feb, 2010 by kchristieh in social networking

It’s ironic that what is meant to make our lives simpler often complicates them.

Even though new technologies have given us more effective means of communicating, my communications are complicated by the fact that I have to keep track of how all the different people in my life prefer to communicate. Here’s a short version of the list I maintain in my brain:

• Son: Facebook, text messaging
• Daughter: Facebook, email, text messaging
• Husband: Facebook, email, call work phone not cell phone
• Mother: Email, home phone, some Facebook
• Father & stepmother: Email, cell phone, home phone depending on which state they’re in
• Sister: Home phone
• Stepfather: Email
• Aunt: Email
• Brother-in-law: Texting, Facebook, email
• Lisa: Email, or she’ll call me on the way to work
• Monica: Email, texting
• Jaclyn & Holly: Facebook, texting, email
• Grandparents: Email, home phone

Of course, face-to-face interaction is the best, but that’s not always possible. Thankfully, I’m comfortable using all of these forms of communication.

This list is constantly evolving. My son will need to start checking his email over the next year as his guidance counselor and colleges start emailing him information. My mother will eventually get more comfortable on Facebook, and I hope that my father and stepparents will give in and join Facebook.

I’ll get a smarter cellphone in the next year or two, and will probably start depending on it more. Until then, when people send picture messages to my phone, I can’t see them well enough to distinguish if they’re pictures of babies or dogs.

Maybe I’ll just start sending letters again. Probably not.

Note: The picture above depicts Ernestine, the character Lily Tomlin played in “Laugh-In.” I played that character in my elementary school play, and can still do a pretty mean Ernestine impression. Young’uns who aren’t familiar with Ernestine may enjoy this video where she explains her position on healthcare:

My son of a gun

Posted on 01. Feb, 2010 by kchristieh in parenting

When my daughter was little, I bought her a dump truck. She used it to store blocks.

When my son came along, he loved that dump truck. He loved anything with wheels.

So on his first Christmas I bought him a doll. He seemed to like it, but he wouldn’t name it. It became “Baby Doll.” It was ignored. When he was old enough, he threw it into the pool and rescued it. I was encouraged; perhaps he was starting to bond with the doll. Alas, after several tosses, Baby Doll became a pool toy. She floated face down in the pool.

In the Toy Battle of Nature vs. Nurture, Nature won, doll down.

When my son got older, he wanted an airsoft gun. I held my ground until he was 15, when I allowed him to purchase an airsoft pistol. It has an orange tip, and shoots little plastic pellets that don’t penetrate the skin. He soon graduated to an airsoft rifle, which he would use in epic battles in the local hills. When his rifle broke, we went to the mecca of airsofting, the Evike store in San Gabriel. (see photo to the right)

I’ve never seen a store less targeted towards me; I’m less likely to buy something there than Cabella’s. Whether it’s the big Chinese lion statues, the Playboy centerfold autographs, or the endless supply of realistic-looking clothing and weaponry (with orange tips), I don’t ever expect to visit Evike without my son in tow or in mind.

However, when he tested his new rifle, I insisted on donning goggles and taking a few shots. I was pretty darn good, and humbly admit that it was fun. The young woman who helped us was bright and knowledgeable, and I got a kick out of the fact that she was wearing Hello Kitty shorts. I doubt that my knees are up for crawling through rattlesnake-ridden underbrush, or that the adolescent boys would appreciate me joining them, but I think I understand why they play with the airsoft guns. It’s exciting and active, and requires teamwork and strategy. They’re too old to play tag, so I should be glad they’re getting away from their video games and computers and doing something together.

As long as they don’t take it any further. I’m glad there’s not an Army Experience Center here. The one at the Franklin Mills Mall in Philadelphia boasts a video gaming arena, warefare simulators, a tactical operations center and more. There are Army recruiters ready to discuss enlisting with the young people that are eligible.

I’m not ready for that. I’m still hoping for something a little more nurturing for my guy.

The Westboro Baptist Church forgets that God is love

Posted on 29. Jan, 2010 by kchristieh in religion

Here’s a shout-out to the students, parents, staff and supporters of Gunn High School in Palo Alto, CA for protesting the demonstration by the members of the Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church. These insensitive, hateful people had the nerve to tell the Gunn community that the reason that five of their students had recently committed suicide was that they failed to obey God.

“You’ll be in front of the train next! God laughs at your calamity!” shouted Margie Phelps, wearing an American flag as a skirt.

The daughter of Westboro Church founder Fred Phelps, she said that the Gunn students died because they failed to obey God, and now live in hell.

This story literally made me cry. I can’t fathom the pain that Gunn has gone through, and am completely appalled that anyone would try to drive such a knife through that hurt. The fact that these people call themselves Christian is shameful and embarrassing, and I hope that people realize that the Westboro Baptist Church does NOT represent the viewpoint of mainstream Christianity.

When the church members (oh, it hurts to call them that!) sang ugly lyrics to “America the Beautiful,” students countered with “All You Need is Love.”

They get it. Just like the rest of us, Gunn students need love. The God I embrace is a God of love, not a God of hate.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (I John 4:8)

After the Gunn protest, the WBC folks (better label!) went to the Stanford campus to protest in front of the Jewish student center, Hillel. They wanted to tell Hillel students that they too were destined for Hell. I’m so proud of the Stanford response: over 1,000 people showed up in solidarity to let the WBC know that their hatred wasn’t welcome on campus. The band and the Tree were even there.

“I just wanted to come out and show them that being a Christian isn’t about hate, it’s about love,” said Monica Alcazar, a Stanford freshman and Gunn graduate.

I wish I could have been there.

Links:

• “Protestors at Gunn, Stanford confront ‘God hates America’ group” (San Jose Mercury News)
• “Op-Ed: Westboro: A Christian Response” (The Stanford Daily)
• “A Few Comments on Westboro Baptist Church’s Visits to Stanford and Gunn High School” (Fiat Lux blog)

Last field trip to Hyperion Treatment Plant

Posted on 06. Jan, 2010 by kchristieh in education, parenting, travel

Yesterday I chaperoned what will probably wind up being my last school field trip ever when I accompanied my daughter’s AP Environmental Science class to the Hyperion Treatment Plant near LAX. Thanks for inviting me, Dr. E!

We got to ride in yellow school buses without seat belts. I had fun sitting next to my friend Sharon S. We sat in front so we wouldn’t make the kids feel awkward. It was strange to be able to see so much in the rear view mirror.  Apparently, other chaperones must choose these seats, too. Of course, all the kids were quite well-behaved.

I knew we were in for some fun when this was the first sign I saw. Once the waste water is processed, the clean water is pumped 5 miles out in the ocean, 90′ below the surface, via a 12′ diameter pipe.

But first, we hung out on Dockweiler State Beach for an hour and a half while the first bus took the tour. Hey, 2006! I found your cellphone!

This plant treats 350 million gallons of wastewater from 3 million Los Angeles residents each day. That’s enough to fill up 3 or 4 Rose Bowls each day.

“Wastewater” refers to what comes from your house, not what goes down the drains in the street. That goes straight to the ocean, which is why it’s particularly important not to litter on the street.

Of course, many of us in La Canada have septic tanks, so our effluent never makes it to such a fancy treatment plant. Instead, it collects under our yards and kills our beautiful oak trees. Or mine, anyway.

Guess what’s in this truck? I hope it’s not dumping it near you.

These guys are the facility watchdogs. I think one of them is in the Witness Protection Program.

If you imagine some of the worst things that could wash down the toilet or the drain, they’ve probably been sifted here. I wouldn’t want to explain some of this to younger kids.

Our tourguide says that they’ve found motorcycle parts, money, bowling balls, and even body parts coming through. Eeek!

It smelled bad enough, so I’d hate to be around when the siren sounds.

Everything was really clean on the outside.

Water is being processed under these grids.

The architecture was impressive. The Hyperion plant was named as one of the most amazing public works projects of the 20th century.

Seagulls enjoyed feasting on the bacteria in the skimmer ponds.

Everything looked so sparkling clean. But when I see this, I still smell it…

Nancy, our tour guide, was fantastic. She was sharp, knowledgeable, and enthusiastic. Here, she’s showing how water leaves the ponds.

I didn’t take any pictures after this since we went to an underground area where photography wasn’t permitted. It reminded me of Jack Bauer’s haunts at CTU. Many movies and tv shows have been filmed at Hyperion, including Spiderman.

Nancy says that Hyperion is featured in the tourism book . You might be able to take a tour if you call ahead.

The best part of the day occurred before my daughter went to bed, when she thanked me for going on the trip. Awww!! I’m so grateful that my mere presence there didn’t embarrass her. Too bad this is our last field trip together.  :(

‘The Big Lebowski’ Syndrome

Posted on 30. Dec, 2009 by kchristieh in parenting

At lunch yesterday, a friend and I discussed how to keep our sons focused and motivated. I told her that many of our fears could be summed up in three words: ‘The Big Lebowski.’ This 1998 Coen brothers movie starred Jeff Bridges as Jeff Lebowski, aka The Dude, an unemployed Los Angeleno who gives new depth to the term “slacker.”

My timing was perfect, for today’s NY Times notes in “Dissertations on His Dudeness” that,

“The Big Lebowski” has spawned its own shaggy, fervid world: drinking games, Halloween costumes, bumper stickers (“This aggression will not stand, man”) and a drunken annual festival that took root in Louisville, Ky., and has spread to other cities. The movie is also the subject of an expanding shelf of books, including “The Dude Abides: The Gospel According to the Coen Brothers” and the forthcoming “The Tao of the Dude.”

Where cult films go, academics will follow. New in bookstores, and already in its second printing, is “The Year’s Work in Lebowski Studies,” an essay collection edited by Edward P. Comentale and Aaron Jaffe (Indiana University Press, $24.95).

If academics are taking it seriously, perhaps we should, too.

My friend had never seen the movie, so I advised that she watch it with her children by her side and see what discussion it prompts. The danger, of course, is that a viewer could choose to emulate The Dude. At least I consider that to be a danger. Maybe I’m too uptight. Maybe I’m paranoid because I live in L.A. But this is not my vision for my children.

Lessons I never thought I’d need to teach my teens

Posted on 16. Dec, 2009 by kchristieh in life lessons, parenting

When I became a parent, I knew we’d have talks about s*x, drugs, working hard, etc. But here are a few things I’ve felt compelled to teach my teens that I never expected we’d discuss, or discuss so soon. Most have come up either because of stories we’ve heard, movies we’ve seen or articles I’ve read. I’ve repeated each of the following many times to my kids, and hope that they don’t have to experience these situations to realize the wisdom of my words.

Parties & Drinking:

• If someone passes out at a party, they’re asleep if you can rouse them and they can talk, but they’re unconscious if they can’t talk.
  • If they’re asleep, summon an adult and keep making sure you can wake them and that they’re sleeping on their side in case they throw up.
  • If they’re unconscious, call 911. (or this might happen)
• Don’t attend parties that don’t have adult supervision.
• If you’re at a party and your intuition is telling you that things are going downhill, get out fast.
• Always respectfully do what a police officer or Sheriff’s deputy asks.

Drugs:

• Marijuana can be laced with more deadly drugs.
• You can become addicted to meth the first time you use it. So don’t.

S*x:

• Besides potential pregnancy and emotional and reputation fallout, a big reason to avoid s*x outside of marriage is STDs.
• Condoms don’t always work, and oral contraceptives won’t prevent STDs.

Technology:

• Don’t let any pictures be taken of yourself that you’d be ashamed of showing up in public.
• Don’t join a Facebook group or friend someone just because all your friends have.
• Don’t let kids you don’t completely trust handle your cellphone.

Media:

• Can you imagine discussing Viagra or Monica Lewinsky with an elementary schooler? If your kids watch tv, you’ll have discussions about topics such as these. Just wait until you’re sitting on the couch next to them when a love scene in a movie comes on. Awkward!

P**n: (note: using ** so I don’t get banned by search engines)

• Even one look at p**n can embed an image you’ll always remember, so don’t look at it.
• Figure out what you’ll say if you’re at someone’s house and they start looking at or watching p**n.
• Today’s p**n is often much skankier than the stuff that was in magazines many years ago since pictures and videos don’t usually pass through editors before they’re posted on the internet.

Driving:

• Always look up Angeles Crest Highway before you turn onto it or cross it.
• If you don’t come to such a complete stop that the body of the car doesn’t back up a little bit, the local Sheriff’s deputies may give you a ticket. Better to do it and avoid traffic school.
• It doesn’t matter if “everyone else” is driving other kids before their first year of California driving is up: it’s illegal, there’s a good reason it’s illegal, and you’ll lose many privileges if you either drive someone else when you’re too young or you drive with someone else who isn’t old enough to drive you.
• Don’t let anyone into your car whom you think might have drugs on them, since they could leave the drugs in your car and you could get into trouble.
• Motorcycles are dangerous. Even if you are the safest driver with the safest bike, you’ve only got two wheels and can skid out if someone else cuts you off. Then, you’re completely vulnerable.

Weapons:

• If a kid shows you a gun and you’re not under competent adult supervision, get away as quickly as possible and tell an adult.
• If someone even jokes about shooting someone, take it seriously and report it.

Emotions:

• Any time someone talks about suicide, take it seriously.
• If someone breaks up with you, then they don’t value you enough, so you shouldn’t pine over them. (That’s a tough one.)

Forgiveness:

• Gossip hurts.
• It’s better if you come to me and let me know you messed up than for me to find out later or for the mess to get bigger.
• “Sorry” means you’re never going to do it again.
• Don’t follow “sorry” with “But.”
• Forgive others just as you wish to be forgiven.

I’m sure I’m missing some, and I welcome your suggestions.

How to kill a teen’s love of reading

Posted on 11. Aug, 2009 by kchristieh in books, education

Shouldn’t one of the goals of high school English be to emphasize the joy of reading? If so, then the following isn’t likely to achieve that goal:

• Step 1: Tell students which book they have to read. Don’t give them a choice.
• Step 2: Make them read it over the summer.
• Step 3: Require them to annotate at least three comments in the margins of every page.
• Repeat with several more books.

I know someone who’s annotating George Orwell’s this week. Instead of appreciating the greater themes at the pace that the author intended, this teen is slogging through this book so slowly that all the life is being sucked out of it. It’s bittersweet when a kid says, “It actually seems like a really good book, but I’m not able to enjoy it when I do this assignment.” Big Brother, can you hear this?

I told the child that hopefully they’d remember that reading can be fun, and that when they graduate they’ll rediscover that.

Links:

• A explaining why annotating is considered so valuable. I think it’s a recipe for sucking the fun out of reading.
• My list of Non-”Teen” Books for Teens, Plus Books for Boys. Please let me know if you have any books to add.

The perils and possibilities of the empty nest

Posted on 06. Jul, 2009 by kchristieh in animals, my life, parenting

Thank goodness my dog bolted to the yard yesterday morning, because he passed right over a baby bird that hadn’t survived long enough to even grow feathers. Later in the day, my husband said he found a dead baby bird, too. It was a bad day for birds to leave the nest.

But it was a good day for teenagers to leave the nest. Yesterday my husband and I both put “…have an empty nest” as our Facebook status without knowing the other had. Our daughter left for a month of living with a family and studying Spanish in Central America, and we dropped off our son at a techie camp at a local university. Early reports indicate that both are growing, thriving, and enjoying spreading their wings.

Parenting is a long, slow road, but every once in awhile you need to take a leap up to the next plateau. I feel like we did that this weekend, and so far so good…

Should I impose my parents’ rules on my children?

Posted on 27. Jun, 2009 by kchristieh in my life, parenting

When my sister and I were in late elementary school, my parents typed up a list of rules and posted it on the refrigerator. Here they are:

My parents were stricter than most, but we usually didn’t mind since we were very obedient. My mom is visiting me this weekend, and she remarked this afternoon that she realizes how lucky she was to have such easy kids.

Here are a few of my favorite rules:

• Get to go to bed 7.5 minutes later each birthday.
• No singing at the table.
• Don’t touch the dog until you’re done setting the table.
• We alternated months for keeping the backyard clean.
• Bathe whenever dirty or 2x a week.

I’ve actually got a list of rules for my kids, but I won’t embarrass them by posting them here. I’ve found that it’s easier to get kids to follow rules or get housework done if it’s written down and you don’t have to bug them.

Unless, of course, the rules get lost. I need to print out our rules again so I can have a less stressful summer!

Advice for a parent buying their child’s first cell phone

Posted on 17. Jun, 2009 by kchristieh in parenting

Break out the tissues: my niece is the only kid in her 5th grade class not to have a cell phone. How ever does she survive?

As the mother of avid teen cell phone users, here’s my advice to my sister before she lets her daughter get a cell phone.

Paying for it:

• Sign up for an unlimited texting plan, either now or soon. It’ll save  money in the end.
• Her daughter should pay for her portion of the cell phone bill, especially downloaded games or ringtones. (Note: In our household, we make the kids pay the $9.99 for the extra line, but not for their percentage of the base bill. And we remind them of that constantly.)
• If the phone is lost or broken, her daughter will pay for a replacement. She will also pay if the phone is stolen because she isn’t careful.

Rules:

• The phone can’t be in the bedroom when she’s asleep.
• If you don’t mind tracking it, limit how much time may be spent on the phone each day. (good luck with that!)
• No phone at dinner.
• No texting or talking on the phone while in the car with parents unless she gets permission first.
• No phone while doing homework. (Note: That’s tough to enforce as the kids get older and talk about homework over the phone.)
• All phone numbers programmed into the phone must have a name.
• Don’t answer calls from people you don’t know.
• Set rules about whether games can be downloaded. Watch out for recurring monthly fees.
• Set rules about whether she may have access to the internet on the cell phone. I’d advise against it at a young age.
• The parents can examine the phone at any time and search through messages, pictures, call logs, etc.
• Obviously, all school rules must be followed. In our school, that means phones must be turned off during class. Check to see what her school’s policy is.

Talk to her about:

• Don’t text anything you wouldn’t say in public, since it can be forwarded.
• Don’t send any pictures you wouldn’t want on a billboard, since they can be forwarded and uploaded to the internet.
• Text messages can be misinterpreted. If it’s complicated or involves emotions, either call or talk to the person face-to-face.
• NEVER break up with a person via text message. It’s cowardly and rude.

Having a cell phone, especially at a young age, is a privilege, not a right. It’s a very useful tool for both the kid and the parents, but it must be used safely and wisely. Emphasize to the child that these rules are meant to keep them safe and to allow them the time to get homework done, do sports and play with friends.

My kids are so accustomed to cell phones that I wonder if they could survive without them. My daughter might have to this summer when she studies abroad. That may be the biggest learning experience of all!

How to survive sending your child to college

Posted on 14. May, 2009 by kchristieh in education, parenting

I have two high schoolers – a sophomore and a junior – so I truly appreciated today’s college panel at Parent Ed. Our instructor moderated a panel of five mothers of college students, and asked them questions about what to expect when your kid leaves for college.

Here are a few things they said:

• Your family will change once your child leaves for college. It may get quieter or crazier once they leave, depending upon who’s still home, but it’s likely to be different. Also, don’t assume you’ll spend the whole time pining for Junior: several moms said they’ve enjoyed getting to spend more time with their husbands and appreciate the freedom they have to go on vacations and out to dinner whenever they wish.
• The actual first dropoff at school can be difficult. The mother of a Westmont student said that Westmont has a tradition where new freshmen walk up the hill as bagpipers play “Amazing Grace” and people cheer, and then when they graduate they do the same but walking down the hill. She said she would have lost it if she hadn’t seen another kid’s parents totally blubbering. I can barely hear “Amazing Grace” under the best of circumstances without crying, and for that reason have actually written into my will NOT to play that at my funeral. But I digress. Anyway, after the bagpipes play, parents are asked to leave campus within 30 minutes. Yes, that much emotion in that short a timespan would be tough.
• Don’t expect to have a slow, meaningful dinner after you help your child set up his or her dorm room. They’re going to want to meet new friends. It’s best to have that dinner before you arrive on campus.
• Don’t freak out when your kid calls you and makes it sound like the world is about to end. Chances are that within a few hours they’ll be fine. If not, then try to distinguish between a temporary setback and a bigger issue.
• Be on the same page as your child’s other parent. If Junior’s freaking out and wants to come home, and you want to make him stay, make sure the other parent isn’t on Expedia buying the plane ticket back home.
• Don’t let your child have a car at school freshman year. They don’t need it, and colleges generally discourage it anyway. If they do have a car, expect that they will become an airport shuttle service, or worse, a party shuttle service.
• Make sure you talk to your kid about all the difficult but important topics you can think of (i.e., sex, drugs, drinking). This is one of your last best chances to do so. Make sure they know to never accept an open soda can or drink punch.
• Warn them that one of the dangers of playing beer pong is that they can catch mono by sharing cups.
• Don’t expect a big college to inform you if your child is skipping class or having a problem.
• Give your child space so that they can learn to be independent. If you feel like you aren’t communicating enough, try texting. Also, you might want to set up a time each week that you can talk. On the other hand, some kids will call you all the time as they walk between classes.
• Make sure your child knows how to do laundry and balance finances before leaving for college.
• Be sure your child knows what to do if he has a bad roommate or gets sick.
• Most kids will switch majors at least once.
• Although it’s helpful to visit schools before your child applies, don’t sweat it if they don’t. Several parents said they were glad they didn’t waste money on expensive East Coast college trips because their child wound up falling in love with a school in California or Oregon.
• Support your child’s college choice. Wherever they choose, someone will criticize his or her choice. Make sure they know not to take that personally, and that you’re happy they found somewhere they’re excited about. And if they’re not excited at some point, that will probably pass as they make more friends.
• Each time your child returns for break, they’ll probably be different. (Hopefully in increased maturity!) Make sure you lay some expectations out regarding curfews, laundry, working, etc. so everyone’s on the same page. Watch out that you’re not too tough on them, or they may not want to return in the future.
• If you’re religious, keep your child in your prayers. They’ll need it.

I’m sure I’m missing something, since I wasn’t taking notes. Do you have any advice to add?

Apparently our school college counselor puts on a program like this, but with college kids on the panel and aimed at high school students and their parents. I’ll keep an eye out for that this fall!

My favorite online college search sites

Posted on 10. Apr, 2009 by kchristieh in cool websites, education, parenting

This week my family took tours of five colleges and drove through several more, all in the quest to find schools that would match our teenagers’ interests, talents and personalities.

Visiting the schools when classes were in session was invaluable. It was important for my kids to see what the students were like, and to see whether they could imagine themselves fitting in with them. My kids were also very concerned with school energy and spirit, so it was good for them to see which schools shined or failed in that department.

We did lots of research beforehand, also. We purchased several college guides, including one that included student reviews, and copied the relevant pages and brought them with us on our trip. I also looked up all the schools we considered visiting on our trip on the internet. I especially appreciated student review sites. I kept in mind that there will always be disgruntled people at any school, but I looked for trends in the comments.

We’ve only scratched the surface for visiting colleges, so I’ve started a College Resource page on this blog. You can either click here to visit it, or find it in the list of pages to the right. I’ll continue to update it as I find more useful college resource sites. It includes much of the same information that I’ve put on our high school PTSA website, www.lchs912.org.

Hope it helps!

I’m not a “cool” parent, but that’s the way I like it

Posted on 14. Feb, 2009 by kchristieh in my life, parenting, things that bug me

Many years ago, I was awakened in the middle of the night by shouting in front of our house. I was amazed to see what looked like a scene out of “West Side Story,” where the Sharks and the Jets square off against each other. I called 911, and was taken aback when the operator asked if there were any weapons involved. But then, a few seconds later, I saw a guy pull a knife out of his back pocket. The Sheriff’s deputies soon arrived, and the party that these people had spilled out of broke up.

Here’s the most amazing part: the next thing I saw was the father from the house the party was at step out of his side door and dump a bunch of bottles into his recycling bin! Yes indeed, the parents had been home the whole time. The father was in his bathrobe, so he’d probably been holed up in his bedroom, but he had to have had a clue about what was going on.

Powder Springs, Georgia police allege that 43-year-old Kecia Evangela Whitfield also had a clue about what was going on the night of Jan. 24th. She allegedly served alcohol to her stepson and his friends, one of whom, 16-year-old Garrett Reed, subsequently crashed his car into an oncoming vehicle and died. She’s been charged with serving alcohol to a minor and reckless conduct, and could wind up spending a year in jail and thousands of dollars in fines.

Why would a parent (or stepparent) do that? Are they trying to be “cool”? Do they think “everyone” does it? Are they just trying to protect their own child by letting him drink at home, even as they endanger the lives of the other children and people on the road?

I don’t understand the logic here. Please be assured that if your child ever visits my house, I’ll be doing everything in my power to make sure this doesn’t happen.

Why do parents let their teens go to wild parties?

Posted on 13. Jan, 2009 by kchristieh in parenting

Why do some parents let their teenagers go to unsupervised parties, especially if they’re at strangers’ homes in other cities? Of course, these parties are also likely to include alcohol, drugs, sex and/or fights. Maybe I’m too much of a goody-goody, or maybe I’m too risk-averse. But honestly, I’m really curious about why parents allow this to happen.

Here are my theories, most of which are based on specific stories I’ve heard. Please let me know which, if any, you think are most correct. And please feel free to add your own!

• Kids are lying to their parents about where they’re going or what’s likely to take place there, and the parents aren’t checking their stories.
• Parents figure that they participated in these same risky behaviors as kids, and
  • since they survived, it’s ok for the kids do it, or
  • they’d feel hypocritical telling their kids not to do the same stuff they did.
• They know their kids are doing these things, but it’s ok as long as they
  • continue to get good grades, or
  • don’t get arrested, don’t hurt someone, and don’t get pregnant.
• Parents figure “everyone else” is going to these parties, so they’d feel bad telling their kids not to.
• The kids will be out on their own soon anyway, so why stop them now?
• They don’t believe that their sweet children could possibly be tempted to do anything wrong.
• Parents are too tired/busy/stressed to worry about what their kids are doing.

I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent with perfect kids. I don’t track my kids 24/7, but I try to balance monitoring and trust in order to encourage them not to engage in risky behaviors. I’m not deluding myself: I know my kids could still sneak around me and make a bad decision.

I just want to understand why some parents don’t seem to make what I’d consider a minimal effort to monitor what their kids do, in order to keep their kids and others they’re with safe.

Seriously. I’d love to hear what you think.

Landing at a parent’s cellphone near you: Helicopter Children

Posted on 10. Nov, 2008 by kchristieh in my life, parenting

We parents can be so neurotic. We read articles and books and talk to other parents about everything from when to potty train to how to apply to college. Some parents cross the line and become Helicopter Parents, ready to swoop in and rescue their children from learning life’s lessons, even as they grow older.

Or so the media tells us. We’re often so anxious that we’ll believe any bad thing said about us!

It’s time for the Revenge of the Helicopter Parents. The truth is, it’s not just the parents who hover; it’s the kids, too! In Cell-Free: My Great Leap Backward, NY Times writer Michelle Slatella introduced me to a new term: Helicopter Children. All of a sudden, it all made sense:

“But for now, I was taking a break from my helicopter children. After months of feeling them hovering, constantly phoning my cell and going so far as to buzz me from another floor to ask if dinner was almost ready, I was feeling free.”

I can relate! A quick search of incoming text messages to my email address shows that my teens have:

• requested pasta for dinner
• asked me to confirm babysitting plans
• apologized for arguing on their way out the door
• asked me to bring a math spiral / lunch money / so much more to school
• asked to go to a friend’s house after school
• and lots more

I’m not complaining. I love that my kids and I can and do communicate in so many more ways than I ever could with my parents. I’m just happy to shift some of the burden of excessive communication to my kids, and realize that it’s not just me. Perhaps we’re co-dependent. I hope and believe that underneath it all, they’re independent, competent people who will find their own path in life. I’m just glad that they (hopefully) won’t completely abandon me.

Every senior’s worst nightmare, solved

Posted on 26. Jun, 2008 by kchristieh in education, movies, my life

When I was a senior in high school, I applied to six colleges. That was a lot for 1981, but these days kids are often advised to apply to nine or more. Today I read about a guy who applied to 18 – and got into 17 of them!

My worst nightmare was that I wouldn’t get into any. I remember how relieved I was when I got my first acceptance letter. At least I knew I’d go somewhere, and I could exhale and relax.

But what if you don’t get in anywhere? What do you do? If you’re the main characters in the movie Accepted, you start your own college. I was too tired to work this evening, but had to stay up late to pick up my son, so I watched this on HBO with my teenage daughter. It was actually pretty good (though it completely deserved its PG-13 rating), and brought up some good topics for discussion. (fraternities, following your passion, how long four years is) It’s a silly movie, but it was the sort of brain candy we needed now that school’s out and she’s gearing up for a tough junior year.

Scary man on Facebook befriends local kids

Posted on 14. May, 2008 by kchristieh in parenting, social networking

Would you want this man to be your child’s Facebook friend?

Unfortunately, this person had “friended” 17 of our local freshmen and sophomores before I was able to figure out how to report him and ask Facebook to shut him down.*

Big kudos to Facebook: within minutes, he disappeared from the site.

Parents, this is one more reason to make sure you discuss internet safety with your kids and have a good idea of what they’re doing online. This guy’s Wall included comments from kids saying, “Who are you?” but they “friended” him anyway.

I just got lucky to see this…but I may not next time. I’ve never seen anything like this before, on either MySpace or Facebook, and I don’t want to again. Let’s all be on the lookout for our kids’ safety.

By the way, this also prompted me to make sure my kids have their profiles set so that only friends can see them. Otherwise, even if my kids are being careful about who they friend, some sketchy guy who’s their friend’s friend would be able to see their profile. Yikes!

* I was able to see his profile, and clicked on “Report” at the bottom of his page. However, I don’t see that at the bottom of all pages. When I clicked on Help / Safety & Security / Report Abuse, I filled out a form, hit submit, and got the error message to the right.

Facebook / MySpace Safety Guide for Parents

Posted on 09. May, 2008 by kchristieh in education, parenting, social networking

I’ve given four talks about internet safety to parent groups over the last two days. Here’s a brief summary of the Facebook / MySpace portion of my talk. You can also see it on my Facebook / MySpace Safety Guide for Parents page. I’ll keep that updated as time goes by.

Click here for my easy step-by-step instructions for adults who wish to join Facebook.

A Brief History

Several years ago, local teenagers flocked to and set up highly personalized, mostly public pages. When parents discovered these pages, they were appalled at some of the things their kids were posting and the fact that anyone in the world could easily see what their children were doing. So the kids set their pages to Private. This didn’t mean the skanky stuff disappeared, but at least the rest of the world couldn’t see it.

Then dropped its requirement that users have a college email address. Many high schoolers and adults joined, and now Facebook is quickly gaining in popularity. There are some communities where MySpace is still more popular, but at least in my city, Facebook is It.

What is Facebook?

Facebook is a free website where users are given their own page to post information, news, pictures and videos about themselves. When they become someone’s Facebook “friend,” that person can see their page and communicate with them. It’s a great way to find friends you’ve lost track of and keep up with what your circle of friends is doing. It’s also the primary way that many people are sharing photos and videos, because you can “tag” those videos with your friends’ names and they’ll show up on their pages too.

Why should parents care what their kids are doing online?

• Safety: You want to make sure your kids aren’t communicating with someone who intends to harm them.
• Bullying: Whether it’s nasty messages or groups dedicated to hating a person, the internet opens up whole new realms of bullying possibilities. It’s also not always kid vs. kid; sometimes, kids are saying inappropriate things about their teachers.
• Privacy: Sometimes people forget that the internet is a public forum, and somehow information that they consider private is actually public.
• Mature themes: We all draw the line somewhere, and you want to make sure your online rules are consistent with your offline ones.
• Ads: Even innocent internet pages might be accompanied by racy ads.
• Time usage: It’s addictive, and can waste a lot of time.
• Identity theft: Put the pieces together and someone can even open a credit card in your child’s name.
• Self-branding: Is your child’s online image what he wants his community, potential employers and colleges to see? Even if it’s private, there are colleges and employers that are asking for access to pages.

What’s the difference between MySpace and Facebook?

• Real names vs. pseudonyms:
  Here’s a quote from a recent study:
  “ Nearly all of Facebook’s 70 million members use their real names, while less than half of MySpace’s 110 million members use theirs.”
  I’m not surprised. I saw lots of nicknames and pseudonyms on MySpace, but the guidelines and the culture of Facebook really encourage people to use their real names, and not hide behind an anonymous facade. This results in more honest dialogue and discussion, and less inappropriate behavior than on MySpace. After all, if you’re yourself, you’ll have to answer to what you post when you see your Facebook friends in real life.
• Privacy:
  Facebook also has extensive, customizable privacy controls. Last time I checked, your only options on MySpace were either a private or a public page. On Facebook, one can choose to only show photos to friends, or friends of friends, or one’s network, or everyone. Same thing goes for videos, groups joined., etc.
• Ads:
  MySpace puts any ad, anywhere. A high school church youth group page might have a “Want to have an affair?” ad above it. At least at the moment, Facebook ads are more targeted, and I don’t see that happening. Middle-aged women are asked if they need a chiropracter or want to buy shoes, and their husbands are asked about rock ‘n roll fantasy camps.
• Constantly improving:
  Facebook seems to improve at a quicker pace than MySpace, which makes it safer and more fun to use.
• Cleaner interface:
  MySpace pages allowed so much customization that they were often cluttered, unreadable and loud. Think yellow writing on a black background with repeating sports logos and heavy metal music playing. On the converse, all Facebook pages have a grid pattern and a white background. They’re much more tasteful, and much easier to read.

Safety Tips:

• Only let people be friends if you know them in person
• Revise & frequently review your privacy settings
• Use a different password for every site. Use a formula so you don’t always need to write them down.
• Post as few identifying facts, such as your address and the city and date of your birth, as possible
• Don’t assume you have privacy
• Make sure no one’s set up a fake page for you
• Don’t visit porn sites or sites selling questionable wares. Besides that they’re inappropriate, they often leave spyware or viruses on your computer.
• Don’t share your password with anyone except your parents
• See what others have to say about an application before you add it.
• Don’t add too many applications
• Don’t add applications that ask for a password
• Don’t join inappropriate groups
• Don’t post pictures, videos or other information about other people unless they approve
• Once you’re logged in, don’t log in again
• Make sure you have a computer operating system, firewall and anti-virus program that update automatically
• Back up your computer regularly
• Block and report anyone that sends you unwanted or inappropriate communications
• Consider signing up for Lifelock as a backup to prevent identity theft. I signed up after my mail was stolen a few months ago. I still take steps to protect my identity, but I’m glad I have the backup.

Steps parents should take to make sure their kids are safe on Facebook and other websites:

• “Children under 13 years old are not permitted access to Facebook. In addition, parents of children 13 years and older should consider whether their child should be supervised during the child’s use of the Facebook site.” (Source:
• Keep internet-connected computers in plain view
• Join Facebook before your kid does (if possible)
• Add friends, applications, groups, photos, etc. to your own page so that you know how it all works
• Be your kid’s “friend” – in full profile!
• Be your kid’s friends’ “friend” (if possible)
• Don’t stalk or embarrass your child. If you send him a message, it’s private. If you post something on his Wall, it’s public, and all his friends can see it.
• Get your child’s username and password. If your child starts exhibiting strange or self-destructive behavior, you’ll probably want to see what’s going on online. Otherwise, you’ll probably never need this. But have it just in case.
• Check your child’s profile regularly.
• Challenge them to tell you something about their friends.
• Check your child’s privacy settings with them.
• Share safety tips with them.
• Don’t assume Facebook or other parents will monitor your child’s safety. That’s up to you and your child.
• Set limits on time and access.
• Balance trust & monitoring – trust your intuition.

Internet security software:

Some people choose to monitor and restrict their child’s online activities using security software. I don’t, since I don’t want anything else on my computer that might mess it up and I don’t suspect that my kids are up to anything, but here are some things the software can be used for: (source)

• Filter sexually explicit graphic descriptions or images: These tools block your child from viewing most sexually explicit material on the Web. But be aware, no filter is perfect.
• Monitor your child’s online activities: These tools allow parents and caregivers the ability to monitor your child’s online activities through a variety of methods.
• Limit the amount of time your child spends online: These tools can limit the amount time you child spends online. Some tools allow parents to block out times of the day when the child can or cannot go online.
• Block your child’s personal information from being posted or emailed: These tools prevent a child from giving strangers their personal information (e.g. name, home address, etc.) while they are online.
• Browsers for kids: These are Web browsers that serve as a gateway between your computer and the Internet. Browsers for kids generally filter sexual or otherwise inappropriate words or images. They are often designed to be easier for kids to use.

Programs include:

Learn which programs satisfy your needs and computer system at GetNetWise.org

You know you’re an adult in La Canada Flintridge when…

Posted on 29. Mar, 2008 by kchristieh in local news, social networking

• You’ve had to explain to people that you’re not from Canada.
• You’ve shopped at Ralphs even when Vons is closer.
• Even though Arco is cheaper, sometimes you go to other gas stations so you can use your credit card.
• You know that wherever you go in town, you’ll see someone you know.
• You tell your kids they won’t get away with anything in this town because someone will always find out and tell you.
• You know who Officer Smith is, and may have even appreciated him.
• You’d never dare drive over 40 on Foothill.
• You can count on one hand the number of friends who have moved out of town since you’ve lived here.
• You know what PCR, PCY, LCE, FIS, LCPC, LAFC, ALF, LCJBSA, Gala, Parent Ed, Fiesta Days and LCHS stand for.
• You can’t really figure out who all those kids are that go to school in the old FIS building are. But you’re pretty sure they’re not Scientologists.
• Your child played AYSO and LCJBSA.
• You sent your child to the Gollatz Cotillion.
• You love the concept of a bookstore here, but you admit to still buying books on Amazon.com.
• You’re often surprised when someone says they’re a Democrat.
• You love the Korean food at elementary school carnivals.
• You call the local freeway “The 210″ instead of “The Foothill Freeway.”
• You can’t wait for the sewer construction to end.
• You have either parrots or peacocks in your neighborhood, unless you have rattlesnakes and coyotes instead.
• If you’re a woman, you’re either in a book club or have been asked to join a book club.
• When you go to the library, you don’t browse: you pick up the books you ordered online.
• There are some people in town who everyone knows by their first name: Anthony, Jinny, Janice, Damon, Wendy, …
• Every adult you know in town has a child.
• You sometimes feel like a family with just two kids is small.
• Your children think that God made women with blonde hair, and men with brown hair.
• You’ve woken up at an insanely early hour to sign your kid up for preschool, camp, sports, summer school, parent ed., etc.
• You and your neighbors can’t agree on whether LCF is rural or suburban.
• You can’t believe you need to cross the street to get your mail.
• You love Trader Joe’s but hate its parking lot.
• You’ve marched in at least one Fiesta Days parade.
• You wish you had a funny little car like the Shriners in the parade do.
• You tell your kids never to drive into the mountains.
• Your teen has begged you to schedule her driving test in Newhall, even though Glendale is right next door.
• You hope your child won’t be at the high school in a big earthquake.
• You have a strong opinion about whether Home Goods going into the Sport Chalet Town Center is a good thing.
• You feel sorry for Penguins, but go to Pinkberry anyway.
• You don’t miss Hidden Treasures. Is it really gone?
• You think the town has enough banks, cleaners and hair salons.
• You either drive a big car, a luxury car, or a Prius.
• After a few years here you can recognize people from behind by their hair or the way they walk.
• You’ve given money to supplement public education funding.
• You read the Valley Sun and the Outlook cover to cover each Thursday.
• You have a favorite Mexican restaurant and a favorite pizza parlor in town.
• You forget you’re on top of a freeway when you’re at Memorial Park.
• When your kids were little, they loved running up and down the hill at the park during Music in the Park.
• You go to Pasadena to see most of your movies.
• As illogical as it may seem, you know that the exit to In-N-Out is after the exit for the 134.
• You scan the Rose Parade program to make sure not to miss the La Canada float.
• It drives you crazy when people say “Hahamonga” instead of “Hahamongna.”
• You’ve argued with people who think that JPL is in Pasadena.
• If you live in Flintridge, you only call it that if you’ve lived there more than 20 years. Otherwise, you say you live in La Canada.

——————————————-

I’ve created a Facebook group called “” with this list on it. Join Facebook and let me know if you have any additions to the list!

Teenage boys shower before Mom drives them to their girlfriend’s house?

Posted on 26. Feb, 2008 by kchristieh in health, parenting, sports

As usual, rumors of the moral delinquency of our youth are greatly exaggerated.

Surveys show that 80% of teenage boys pursue a girl because they like her. Only 14% put sex at the top of the list. In “Peeking Inside the Mind of the Boy Dating Your Daughter” in this Sunday’s NY Times, we discover that,

Physical attraction and wanting to get to know someone better were tied as the second-most-popular answers. Boys who were sexually active were as likely to say they pursued sex out of love as they were to say they simply wanted to know what sex feels like or to satisfy a physical desire. Wanting to lose their virginity barely registered, with just 14 percent of boys checking that answer.

Researchers said the findings show that teenage boys really are motivated by love and a desire for meaningful relationships.

One can only hope!

Did you realize that only 29.8% of 16-year-olds have their driver’s license? That’s down from 43.8% in 1998. The NY Times story “Fewer Youths Jump Behind the Wheel at 16” says that,

Reasons vary, including tighter state laws governing when teenagers can drive, higher insurance costs and a shift from school-run driver education to expensive private driving academies.

To that mix, experts also add parents who are willing to chauffeur their children to activities, and pastimes like surfing the Web that keep them indoors and glued to computers.

I generally love chauffeuring my kids around. That’s when I find out what’s going on in their lives. I got my license at 17, and think that 16 is too young anyway. I LOVE the photo the Times put with the story (see right). If the girl had dark hair, that picture could be me driving and my daughter in the passenger seat, texting.

And finally, boys should be showering more these days. Wrestling parents in particular should read the Fresno Bee story “Wrestlers grappling with infections: Skin diseases plague school competitors.” Wrestlers are at higher risk of contracting skin infections, including a drug-resistant form of staph called CA-MRSA.

The California Interscholastic Federation, which regulates high school sports, is planning a conference Monday in Sacramento with state health officials to address the issue. But the anecdotal evidence is everywhere: 10 Firebaugh High wrestlers came down with various skin infections last year.

Three wrestlers at Gustine High were treated for staph infections and a form of herpes in January. McLane High forfeited a league match against Sunnyside in January because five wrestlers had contagious skin infections. Last year, two Clovis High wrestlers missed more than a week after contracting herpes, possibly at a tournament in Utah.

In the San Diego County community of Encinitas, 13-year-old Brian Carbaugh died in January from a drug-resistant staph infection after possibly contracting it in a wrestling class. High school wrestling in Minnesota was suspended last year after 24 cases of herpes were reported on 10 teams.

A big part of the problem, health officials say, is that many athletes don’t shower, clean their gear or practice good hygiene.

My son’s good about showering when he gets home from practice or meets, but that’s no guarantee. Scary stuff, especially if you’re allergic to penicillin like I am. The picture to the right accompanied the article. If that’s not enough to scare your son to shower, I don’t know what is.

Why I finally let my daughter have a Facebook page

Posted on 13. Feb, 2008 by kchristieh in my life, parenting

After much consideration, I finally made my daughter’s day and told her she could have a page. Here’s why:

• She’s 16, and I think she’s mature enough to handle it
• Our church youth leaders announce upcoming events on Facebook
• She agreed to be my “friend”
• She’s going to give me her user name and password
• She’s only going to be “friends” with people she’s met in person
• We agreed upon her privacy settings
• I’ve been exploring Facebook lately, and I think it’s safer than MySpace

I envy my kids’ generation. They have so many more ways to bond and keep the communities that they build than I ever did. Once they graduate, they’ll still have their friends’ cell phone numbers, Facebook pages and email addresses to help keep in touch. I’ve lost track of all but a few of my high school classmates. Then again, I do keep in touch with the ones I care the most about.

I also get the impression that there’s more mixing between social groups because of Facebook. Some kids have friends online that they probably would never eat lunch with. Even so, because they’re “friends,” I think they have at least a modicum of sympathy and respect for the other person. Even though there can be online bullying, maybe it nets out to be less bullying overall since people don’t bully “friends.”

I’ve been more impressed with the culture of Facebook than that of MySpace. People generally use their real names and personas, probably because they’re accountable to whichever groups they belong to. I’m also glad that I can’t see personal details of my daughter’s friends unless they’re also my friends.

I’d like to wrap the world in bubble wrap

Posted on 01. Feb, 2008 by kchristieh in life lessons, my life, parenting, religion

Sometimes I feel like Rat does in this Pearls Before Swine cartoon:

Each time my son’s broken his arm, I’ve wished he’d been wrapped in bubble wrap. When my daughter got her learner’s permit, I wished the whole car was wrapped in it.

Life’s not like that, however. We need to be able to admit that we can’t control everything in our lives, and that bad things will happen. I still wish they didn’t, of course. But if I don’t cede control, I’ll die of stress.

Maybe we all need to be like Pig, and make the best of things.

I feel like I’m writing the !

When did “R” become “PG-13″?

Posted on 16. Jan, 2008 by kchristieh in movies, parenting

Have you noticed how many new movies that are rated PG-13 would have been rated R 15 years ago? Apparently I’m not the only one who’s noticed: CommonSense Media nominated the MPAA for a 2007 “OFFul” Award for “Gaming the System.”

The nominees included:

• The MPAA for changing its standards behind closed doors and with no explanation so that a movie that would have gotten an R rating a decade ago gets a PG-13 rating today.
• Broadcast networks for tinkering with their own standards and practices and allowing ads for erectile dysfunction drugs and condoms during afternoon and primetime shows when kids are watching.

And the winner is:

• Rockstar Games for resubmitting Manhunt 2 to the ESRB and getting the rating reduced from “Adults Only” to “Mature,” ensuring that the game will be widely accessible to teens.

You can see more of their award categories, including awards for merit, on the CommonSense Media website.

When in doubt, check CommonSense Media or one of the other sites that reviews movies with kids in mind. We were saved by Screenit.com recently. My husband and son wanted to see “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story” and I objected because it’s rated R. My husband didn’t think it could be too bad, but when I looked up the Screenit review it mentioned some things I won’t mention in this blog and he instantly nixxed the idea. Of course, then I made the mistake of renting the PG-13-rated “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry” for my son at Blockbuster, only to discover some pretty inappropriate scenes in that, too. Ugh. At least I watched it with him and could comment on it. Too bad Blockbuster doesn’t have an in-store kiosk with a parental review site on it.

Parents gone wild at sporting events

Posted on 28. Dec, 2007 by kchristieh in parenting, sports

I’ve heard some pretty inappropriate things said at kids’ sporting events, but thankfully I’ve never seen anything quite like what’s on the Positive Coaching Alliance’s “Bottom 10 Moments in Sports List” for 2007. Or maybe I have, but I’ve blocked them from my memory. Here’s the list:

PCA’s Bottom 10 List

• 10. Michael Vick, a marquee NFL star whose jersey is worn by thousands of children, pleads guilty to his role in a dogfighting operation that resulted in cruelty and death to many dogs.
• 9. Six hockey players and two coaches are suspended following a brawl between two teams of eight-year-olds in Guelph, Ont.
• 8. A Chicago-area man is caught on tape hurling his son’s wrestling opponent off the mat.
• 7. An Allentown, PA-area middle school lacrosse coach is dismissed after pleading guilty to hitting a 13-year-old opponent in the face in the post-game handshake line.
• 6. NBA referee Tim Donaghy pleads guilty to felony gambling charges and admits he gambled on games in which he officiated.
• 5. Two Long Island brothers, apparently enraged over the benching of their son and nephew for cursing, receive a cell-phone call from the disgruntled boy, arrive at his game and eventually are arrested for allegedly beating the team’s coach in front of the coach’s son and the other 11-year-olds on the team.
• 4. Lincoln, NE police issue a ticket to a woman for leaving her daughter alongside Interstate 80 because of her unsatisfactory performance in a soccer game.
• 3. Northern Colorado University punter Mitch Cozad is convicted of attempted murder for knifing the punter ahead of him on the depth chart in a bid for playing time.
• 2. An Orlando-area man pleads guilty to charges from 2004 that he supplied his then-14-year-old son with steroids and human growth hormones to improve his speedskating results.
• 1. Release of the Mitchell Report on use of performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball, implicating such heroes of youth athletes as Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada and Andy Pettitte.

I love the PCA’s motto: “Transforming Youth Sports so Sports Can Transform Youth.” Their goal is to make sports participation a positive, learning experience for kids, not the negative, stressful experience it often is. I heard a PCA speaker many years ago, and to this day I’ve just yelled “Go Team!” from the sidelines.

I’m looking forward to reading “” for our next PTA book club. I just wish I could make sure certain parents I know would show up.

Psst! Got a kid in club soccer? Then check out this marvelous list of “Myths About Competitive Soccer.” It really hits the mark!

Stranger takes four kids into his home

Posted on 09. Dec, 2007 by kchristieh in inspirational people, parenting

Gavin Glynn did more for the Lee kids than some people will do for their own relatives. He didn’t know the kids before their mother died suddenly, leaving them orphaned and destined to be split up to several foster homes. Even so, this gay writer-producer took them in and treated them like family. In Out of tragedy came a new kind of family, yesterday’s LA Times says that,

Things were rocky at first. But now the Lees recognize their good luck.

“We stayed a family. That’s the most important thing. We became a strong family,” said Shane, now 21 and a junior majoring in communications at San Francisco State. “We used to be individuals. Our dad helped our bond as a family grow.”

The kids are all thriving, and consider Glynn and his adopted son to be family. Too bad there aren’t more Gavin Glynns in the world.

How to Survive Your Teenager

Posted on 07. Dec, 2007 by kchristieh in books, parenting

I’ve decided that parenting a teen is like trying to lose weight: everyone has a different idea of what works, and what works for one teenager won’t necessarily work for another.

That was the main lesson I gleaned from by Hundreds of Still-Sane Parents Who Did. About 30 parents discussed this book today at the first meeting of this year’s PTA book club. I started the book club last year when I was a junior high PTA president, and it was so successful we decided to do it again. Even though my kids are both in high school now, I included the junior high parents, since I’d miss them if they weren’t there. (Aww!)

The book includes quotes about parenting teenagers from parents with often completely different perspectives. For example, here are two quite disparate pieces of advice:

“I don’t disapprove of drugs. At my daughter’s high school, a lot of the kids smoke pot. It became apparent to me that she would smoke pot soon. And so I told her to smoke it at home, instead of out in the street where she could get arrested.”

“Those commercials that tell you to talk to your kids about drugs – they are right! I always thought it could be really uncomfortable and awkward to do that, but it is definitely effective.”

No wonder it’s hard to be a parent! I got some good advice from the book, but I didn’t think that all of the advice in the book would work for me or my kids. One of the moms at our meeting summed up the overarching theme of the book in one word: communication. We all agreed that the more honest communication you have with your child, the better.

Several parents came up to me afterwards and said how much they appreciated hearing that other families are just as imperfect as theirs. We all try hard, but none of us, parents or kids, is perfect. It’s comforting to know that others have the same struggles we do, and meetings like this really help to bring our community together.

I’m already looking forward to our next meeting.